I Don't Want to Play More Golf. I Want to Play More Golf with Men Who Provide Care.
A man I spoke with recently is navigating his wife's early cognitive changes. He's done everything right by the planning playbook—the logistics are solid: finances, decisions, problem-solving. He’s got that. That's the role he knows.
During our conversation, he mentioned a friend who got a care companion so he could play more golf. I have a complicated history with golf, so it is not the place I go for therapy. However, we weren’t talking about golf, we were talking about care. The care for his wife he provides and the support he needs. What I heard underneath: I don't want to escape from this. I want to know how to be in it.
What if he could play more golf with men who provide care?
What the Research Actually Shows
More men are finding themselves in the caregiving role than in prior generations yet most of what we know about supporting caregivers comes from research on women.
When researchers look at male and female dementia caregivers, the findings are more nuanced than you might expect.
Quantitatively, the differences are modest. Across studies, the measurable differences between male and female caregivers are smaller than stereotypes suggest.
Qualitatively, something different emerges. When researchers interview male caregivers, they describe distinct approaches to help-seeking. Men tend to focus on functional tasks first. They're less likely to identify as "a caregiver." They often wait for a kind of permission—from the person with dementia, from a professional—before seeking services. They may not know what the right services look like or who provides what their partner needs. They're patterns shaped by life experience that have real implications for how we design support.
What Male Caregivers Actually Face
Loneliness and isolation. This may be driven by reluctance to leave their loved one alone, friends gradually dropping away, and limited social networks that shrink further during caregiving.
Priority on maintaining couplehood. Male caregivers appear more concerned than female caregivers about being separated from their spouse. They may be reluctant to plan for respite care. Preservation of the relationship itself may take priority.
An unfamiliar role. For men socialized in traditional gender roles, caregiving represents new territory. Men may not see themselves as caregivers, but more importantly, men may not have been socialized to provide care. They may not know how to flex their emotional intelligence in quite this capacity, direction, or in such a sustained manner.
What the Evidence Says Actually Helps
In 2020, the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality published a comprehensive systematic review of 627 studies on dementia care interventions. In 2021, the National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine used this review to develop national recommendations.
The findings were sobering—and clarifying.
Only two types of interventions showed evidence of benefit strong enough to recommend for broad implementation:
Multicomponent caregiver interventions like REACH II (Resources for Enhancing Alzheimer's Caregiver Health), which combines education, skills training, problem-solving strategies, stress management, and support—delivered through a mix of in-home sessions, phone support, and group discussion. Low-strength evidence shows this approach reduces caregiver depression.
Collaborative care models that use multidisciplinary teams to integrate medical and psychosocial care. Low-strength evidence shows these improve quality of life for people living with dementia and reduce emergency room visits.
For all other interventions—including support groups as standalone approaches—the evidence was insufficient to draw conclusions. This doesn't mean they're ineffective. It means we can't yet determine from the research whether they work, for whom, or under what circumstances.
The National Academies report put it plainly: given the complexity of dementia care, mixed results across studies may reflect differences in populations, settings, or how interventions were implemented—not necessarily that the interventions don't work.
Translation: "Just talk about it" is rarely enough on its own. What the evidence supports is a playbook—education, skills, problem-solving, and support—customized to the situation you're actually in.
Bridging the Gap for Men
Here's what we don't yet have: rigorous research testing whether adapting interventions specifically for male caregivers improves outcomes. A 2023 systematic review explicitly noted that none of the digital education studies examined had reported outcomes separately by gender or adapted their approaches for male needs.
That's a significant gap. We're largely working from reasonable inferences rather than proven approaches.
That said, several principles emerge from what we do know:
Start with the practical. Men in caregiving situations often focus on functional issues first. Building rapport may work better when conversations begin with concrete challenges—managing medications, handling repeated questions, navigating the healthcare system—rather than asking about emotional impact directly.
Frame learning as skill development. The evidence shows psychoeducation works. For some men, framing this as building competence in a new domain may resonate better than framing it as processing emotions.
Create space for connection without forcing it. Qualitative research suggests some male caregivers value being around other men in similar situations. But the research does not conclusively show that men-only groups are necessary—only that some men find them valuable.
Address loneliness directly. Given how consistently loneliness appears in the research, any support for male caregivers should explicitly address social connection and isolation.
What This Man Might Actually Need
The man I spoke with doesn't need someone to tell him what to plan. He's done the planning. Based on what the evidence suggests, what might help him is:
Understanding what's changing—translating the science of cognitive change into something he can work with
Concrete strategies—what to say when she asks the same question, how to respond when she doesn't recognize familiar places, when to adjust expectations
A map of what's coming—the predictable decision points he'll face, and when the window to address them starts closing
Permission to struggle—hearing that this is hard, that finding it hard doesn't mean he's failing
Someone in his corner—not for one consultation, but for the journey
References
Butler M, Gaugler JE, Talley KMC, et al. Care Interventions for People Living With Dementia and Their Caregivers. Comparative Effectiveness Review No. 231. AHRQ Publication No. 20-EHC023. Rockville, MD: Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality; August 2020.
National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. Meeting the Challenge of Caring for Persons Living with Dementia and Their Care Partners and Caregivers: A Way Forward. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press; 2021.
Pöysti MM, Laakkonen ML, Strandberg T, et al. Gender differences in dementia spousal caregiving. Int J Alzheimers Dis. 2012;2012:162960.
Sjøvoll TH, et al. "Seeking a Bridge Over Troubled Waters": Older men's experiences as dementia caregivers—A meta-synthesis. BMC Geriatr. 2025.
